I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
