i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
