her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
