How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
