If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
