I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
