In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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