How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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