what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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