I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
