I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
