i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The power of my boobs compel you
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
