My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
