So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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