so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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