Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
