pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
