You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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