My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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