we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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