I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Randomize
