Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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