My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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