I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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