so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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