I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm just crazy horny about you
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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