we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
