he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
