Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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