i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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