What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize