there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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