i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
