I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
