Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
