I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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