Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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