WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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