Already got asked if we're dating
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
