I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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