Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
