That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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