Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
