Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
