Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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