I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize