Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
