i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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