ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
