Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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