They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Randomize
