Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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