Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
