when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
