Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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