I want to walk on stilts...naked
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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