My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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