ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
