It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
